The Quest For The Golden Frog - Professor Elemental

So yeah, basically it lunged at me

Its claws bared and its teeth clumped together

So of course i shot it in the face!

Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be princess anne…

Oh, s-sorry?

Oh, is the mic on?

Oh hello? hello?

Right-o

Well thank you lord bucksley

And i, i’d like to welcome you to this lecture

Of the gentlemen’s club of the empire!

Uh, in front of you you’ll find your brain-o-matic helmets

It’s a marvelous device

Which will conjure pictures of my exploits directly into your delicate heads

If you’d like to attach the electrodes and then simply insert the spinal

syringe…

Ah, there we go!

Well. let’s begin!

Attention lords, ladies and gentlemen!

Professor elemental recommends

My lecture, meant for special friends

Attend my adventure to the very end

My quest was risky, my role was odd

I set out for the mystic golden frog!

(oooh!)

It was the stuff of legends

Said to give the bearer a glimpse of heaven!

Plus, it was quite shiny

So in preparation

First i drew a map from my imagination,

Packed my battenberg and my absinthe

Marmoquin, blunderbuss, and my collapsing magic staff!

Plus a tea-pot and some proper grey

Stoke the fire, set the bellows

Come on fellows, chocks away!

A-ha! to find the frog…

Hey you!

Pack your bags, it’s time to trip,

With the good professor so ride the ship,

Exotic dancer third, then scientist,

But explorer first, so i enlist

You!

Pack your bags, it’s time to trip,

With the good professor so ride the ship,

Exotic dancer third, then scientist,

But explorer first

Week one:

Crash-landed near tanzania,

Surrounded by savages in rabbit ears

Before you could say «my good man, how queer!»

I held aloft my magic spear!

«in the name of the empire, bring me the frog!»

Amazingly, they made me their king or their god

I didn’t think this was odd until we got to the volcano

Hotter than my stage show

Time for me to lay low…

Week two:

I used my string to tie bamboo poles

A useful thing

I roll in to surf the rising tide

I feel alive like a viking

Time to ride to the ship

In a storm, how exciting!

Let’s take to the skies with the power of lightning!

Launch the nets geoffery!

It’s going to be a rough ride

Hey you!

Pack your bags, it’s time to trip

With the good professor

So ride the ship

Exotic dancer third, then scientist

Explorer first, so i enlist

You!

Week three:

No closer to finding the frog

But i had an absinthe party

With the munchkins of oz!

No trouble to come in to land

For opium, tea and mushrooms in wonderland

(more tea?)

And this is something grand

From london to australia, my cunning plan

Was completely and utterly unsuccessful!

So i left to go settle back at home with my kettle

For the rest i need —

You’ll never guess what was hiding under the settee!

Yes! it’s the frog! oh, pardon me

I forgot, i won it in a wager last week!

…that is embarrassing, isn’t it?

A little bit of a waste of time, really

Geoffrey must have tucked it under there, i suppose…

Well, anyway

Uh, thank you for coming!

Ah, i hope you consider my application for funding

For next year’s trip to find life on mars

I know the chances of anything coming to earth

Are a million to one, or so they say

But i disagree, really!

And i think that…

Oh, hello? hello?

Oh, where’s everyone gone?