Tea Total - Professor Elemental, The Swinghoppers

Wha’s going on here Elemental?

Just the opening of a new teashop, officer

I know there’s monkey business going on ‘ere

He’s an ape, actually, and a damn fine waitress

Care for one of his creamy scones for an afternoon tea?

I don' buy it Elemental (oh)

I know you’re up to some’in' and when I find out what

I’m gonna take you to the cleaners

Appearances are deceiving

I can prove that seeing shouldn’t be believing

You all know the password, sneak in this evening

All will be revealed, something cheeky, indecent

The coast is clear, I’m flicking the switch

With a flick of the wrist, with a click and a twist

Flip the tables, rearrange it like lickety-split

Get a drink, light the lights, now we’re hitting it big

Tea room to speakeasy, our mission is this

Switch your fears into dreams and give them a lift

Give them a kiss, whether it’s a mister or miss

Have a seat, I insist, now listen to this

My machinery is unbelievable and so’s the scenery

The bar, the stage, the stars, amazing, things you’ve never seen and we

Won’t rest until you’re entertained, tipsy or tripping

Bring on the dancing girls, DJ’s and the magicians

Welcome to our tea shop, it’s the finest one in town

By day we serve Earl Grey, but when the sun goes down

The revelry’s intoxicating, and so is our tea

For we’ve a cellar stocked with spirits (shhh) between you and me

I can read your fortune amongst those ginseng leaves

Just keep our little secret and we can be as thick as thieves

The authorities need never know you’re here, so don’t you fret

Just come and quench your thirst, we’re sure to get your taste buds wet

(Bang, bang, bang) Who is it?

The Swingpin with a special delivery

Coming to you, direct fresh from the distillery

I’ve got the liquor to refresh ya' guests

So strong that it’ll put hairs on Geoffrey’s chest

You would never guess this quaint little premises

Could be the scene of such hedonism and decadence

And host the city’s most unsavoury residents

Which is why like the Professor, I’m in my Element

But tonight I got more hooch to deliver

Are you sure we can’t persuade you to stay for a snifter?

Well I never get high on my own supply

But since it’s you Prof, tonight I guess it could differ

(Gulp, cough) Yeah that’s got quite a kick

Now I’m in the mood to start misbehaving a bit

Stealing the Prof’s hat just to see if it fits

Now that’s what I really call taking the pith

Well well well!

I knew you were up to something Elemental

And now I’ve caught you associating with the Swingpin, there’s no denying it!

I’ve got you righ' where I want you

And this time, you’re not getting away with it

Calm down officer, no need to start with locking up

I understand your job is hard, but stop and have a drop with us

Rum or vodka?

Malt or hops?

It’s all top notch, in stock in the

Bar, come on copper, let’s get properly improper

Yeah c’mon officer, just take what the Prof offers ya

And see for yourself why this product is so popular

Besides you’ll only be seen by a few folk

We promise that we won’t tell anybody if you don’t

Greetings officer, how do you do?

Here’s one on the house just for you

To your health sir, chin up now, clink clink

You know this is what the big boys drink

Now look here, I will not be tempted

And this dirty dive bar will not be exempted

But before I leave I need a bit more surety

I’ll have one sip just to test the purity

(guzzle)

Maybe I’ve been too hard on this tea shop

I mean everybody needs a way to blow some steam off

And that includes me, so if one crate a week

Was left somewhere discrete we’d have a deal to speak of

Now I really must be off

But before I leave, I got a surprise up my sleeve

You’ve all seen a cop on the beat

But what I bet you haven’t seen is a cop on the beatbox

Welcome to our tea shop, it’s the finest one in town

By day we serve Earl Grey but, when the sun goes down

The revelry’s intoxicating, and so is our tea

For we’ve a cellar stocked with spirits (shhh) between you and me

I can read your fortune amongst those ginseng leaves (ho, ho!)

Just keep our little secret and we can be as thick as thieves (oh yeah!)

The authorities need never know you’re here, so don’t you fret

Just come and quench your thirst, we’re sure to get your taste buds wet

Well I mean, if you think the tea’s strong, you should try the cake

I can’t feel my face