Professor Whiskers - Aunty Donna

Professor Whiskers is a cat and a man

He’s not quite a cat

He’s not quite a man

He does cat things like getting stuck in the door

Licking his penis and shitting on the floor

It’s pretty full on when he licks his dick

It makes my guests a little bit sick

Because he is still half a man

And his penis is that of a man

Professor Whiskers

He’s got the body of a man

Professor Whiskers

But he’s got the brain of a man

Professor Whiskers

Not quite sure what part is a cat

Professor Whiskers has the body of a man

And the arm of a man

And the leg of a man

The hair of a man

The ear of a man

The toes of a man

And the arm of a man

Just to be clear he’s completely a man

But he’s not a professor, don’t you understand?

Professor Whiskers is his cat name

His proper person name is Wayne

And while he lectured for a time

He is currently unemployed

Professor Whiskers

The neighbour’s cat is preg-a-nent

Professor Whiskers

There are no other cats in the neighbourhood

Professor Whiskers

Don’t wanna know how the cat got pregnant

Professor Whiskers loves arching his back

When he thinks his reflection is another cat

Just like a cat he likes burying turds

And bringing us the gift of half dead birds

And just like a cat he has no balls

He cut off his own balls

Professor Whiskers

He cut off his own balls

Professor Whiskers

He did it in the shed

Professor Whiskers

He loves to drink yummy milk

But Professor Whiskers was a naughty kitty cat

Because he did a widdle piddle on the mat

So we put him in the car and drove into town

We said to the vet, «Please put him down»

The vet said, «I can’t do that, that’s clearly a man»

We said, «Here's fifty bucks»

«Let's fucking put him down»

But the vet only injected a cat amount

So instead of dying he just flailed about

He screamed, «I'm not a real cat!

My name is Wayne!»

So we strangled him with his own leash

And ended his pain

But he grabbed a cricket bat and knocked us to the floor

Ran outside and stole a Holden Commodore

He drove down the street heading for the state lines

The vet said, «I just need one bullet to take nine lives»

The vet took out his revolver and fired one shot

And the Holden Commodore rolled to a stop

A police officer came up and said, «You've killed a man!»

We said, «Here's fifty bucks»

«You've killed a cat!»

Professor Whiskers

We buried him in the backyard

Professor Whiskers

The children made him a little cross

Professor Whiskers

His grave is next to Doggo Boy’s

And right across from Canary Man

And don’t forget about Lizard Boy

And also, Man Man

He’s just a person we murdered!

By backyard, I mean the State Belanglo Forest

I’m a murderer