The Simple Plot of Kingdom Hearts - Starbomb

Don’t!!!

Don’t clap for their asses…

Today our topic, like always, is games with simple plots

Hi, I’m Sora from Kingdom Hea-

No!

You shut your mouth!

I’m starting with our other guests first!

Guests, please tell us your name and the SIMPLE plot of your game

Hey, I’m the capsule from Arkanoid, as far as I can tell I’m a tube,

and a ball bounces off me

I’m Ms. Pac-Man!

I’m Pac-Man with a bow!

Okay Sora, did you see how it’s done?

Tell me the plot of your game,

real simple, just like that

You got it!

Cue the music!

NO, DON’T CUE THE MUSIC!

Kairi washes up on the shore

Completely unaware of what the heck is in store

Then Destiny Islands blows up from the war

Of the heartless little evil guys that run on all fours

I’m already lost, who are these people and places?

I’ll tell you later buddy, I’m already off to the races

I’m now in Traverse Town, with Goofy and Donald Duck

From the Disney movies?

Yes!

What exactly the fuck?

I’m a keyblade wielder and they need my ability

Sealing keyholes of worlds, restoring all the tranquility

This is not making sense

It’s a little hard to follow

Everything will come together in the Bastion of Hollow

Let me get this straight, it’s Mickey Mouse and You (Nope)

With all your Heartless friends defending all that’s true (Wrong)

Now it is your destiny to cut up a bunch of keys

Cause this is Final Fantasy!

(Not even close)

So I’m looking for Riku while I’m out on my quest

Do I know him?

He’s my best friend!

Hashtag blessed

Well actually he’s evil it was just a facade

Now he’s my arch enemy

Oh my fucking god!

Now we are traveling to Hollow Bastion we go

Run into Riku, OH NO!

possessed by Ansem and so

He’s after Princess Kairi

And then I really try to be

A hero so I die to free

Her heart that’s deep inside of me

Tell me why Ansem even wants Kairi

Why is the princess human if a mouse is king?

Are you some kind of buccaneer?

If you died how are you here?

Please kill me with the nearest spear!

(Oh I’ll clear it up)

So I turned into a heartless, then brought back by Kairi’s power

We escaped to the end of the world, a place that’s really dour

Ansem followed us there 'cause his plan finally starts to flower

As Kingdom Hearts appears making every person quake and cower

What is Kingdom Hearts?

It’s a door and also a moon

But there’s another one, and it’s a moon, but not like the first moon

Anyway, Ansem thinks that Kingdom Hearts has tons of bad stuff

But it opens and he melts from all the goodness

That’s tough!

Then we find out it’s a doorway venting evil fast

But it was filled with light and stuff?

It’s better not to ask

Me and Mickey Mouse sealed up the door from both sides with our keys

And that’s the basic premise of my game!

No questions please!

My god, this plot is all that I can take

I want to cry and jerk off into some pancakes

But I must swallow all the hate

I give up this is my fate

As host of Talking Video Games

The ratings are in… show’s cancelled

Tits!

Fuck yes!

I mean… no!

oh no!