What's Your Story - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast, Rachel Bloom

Story, story, what’s your story?

Story, story, what’s your crime?

What got you here?

Rage, lust, or fear?

We all got a story 'cause we’re doing time

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Tell your story

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Um.

OK, fine

My boyfriend had meth in the glove compartment of our car and I got pulled over

for something else and a cop found it

Ooh!

Well, did you dump that good-for-nothing drug planting boyfriend!

No, we’re still together.

I love him

Oh.

Well, did you at least tell the cops that it was his meth?

I mean, I could have turned him in, but my boyfriend and I have a son.

I can’t risk our child having both parents in jail

That’s true.

That’s a good point

Story, story, let’s hear another story

Story, story, that one was just sad

What does your story say

About the patriarch-ay?

We all have got stories 'cause we did bad

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Okay!

I stole a sweater from the mall

Ooh!

Had you been stealing all your life?!

Was this the culmination of a life

of kleptomania?

Or were you doing it to stick it to the problematic fashion

industry?

No, the heat went out in my apartment and I couldn’t afford a sweater,

so I stole one

Oh my God, I stole a sweater too!

I got two months, how long are you in for?

Three years

I’m so sorry

Story, story, these are barely stories

They’re just bleak anecdotes with no start or end

Go tell your story

Sure, I have a story.

I’m in here for murder

Ooh!

Murder!

Juicy!

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While I was driving, my daughter texted me that she was in the hospital and I

got so distracted that I hit a teenager who was crossing the street and he died

Story, story, oh my God with that story

Story, story, take away her chair

I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry

Okay, you know what, I’m just gonna share my story, because you guys aren’t

really versed with a sense of story structure, so I’m gonna show you how it’s

done

I was a no-good, manipulative love addict with undiagnosed borderline

personality disorder.

I swindled!

DRUM!

I cheated!

DRUM!

I put out a hit on my

ex-boyfriend's girlfriend!

DRUM DRUM!

Then, one day, this guy Trent came into

my life.

He was ironically just like me.

And he tried to kill the man I love,

so I pushed him off a building!

And then, when I plead guilty just for like,

metaphorical symbolism, the judge knew I was innocent so she didn’t accept my

plea but I wanted to go to jail anyway

Wait, what?

You don’t have to be here?

You chose to be here?

Yeah

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