Pirelli's Miracle Elixir - Stephen Sondheim

Ladies and gentlemen

May I have your attention please?

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

To discover your pillow is covered with hair

What ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen

From now on you can waken with ease

You need never again have a worry or care

I will show you a miracle marvelous rare

Gentlemen, you are about to see something that rose from the dead

On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen

I was suddenly struck with a rare oriental disease

Though the finest physicians in London were called

I awakened one morning amazed and appalled

To discover with dread that my head was as bald

As a novice’s knees!

I was dying of shame

Till a gentleman came

An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name

He gave me a liquid as precious as gold

I rubbed it in daily like what I was told

And behold!

Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli’s Miracle elixir

That’s what did the trick, sir

True, sir, true

Was it quick, sir?

Did it in a tick, sir

Just like an elixir ought to do

How about a bottle, mister?

Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don’t know

You don’t need, ah, let’s go

Go ahead and tug, sir

Go ahead, sir, harder

Does Pirelli’s stimulate the growth, sir?

You can have my oath, sir

'Tis unique

Rub a minute

Stimulating, in’it?

Soon you’ll have to thin it

Once a week

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, might as well

I just did

Gently dab it, gets to be a 'abit

Soon there’ll be enough, sir

Somebody can grab it

See this chap with hair like Shelley’s?

You can tell he’s used Pirelli’s

Let me have a bottle

Make that two

Pardon me, ma’am, what’s that awful stench?

Are we standing near an open trench?

Buy Pirelli’s Miracle elixir

Anything what’s slick, sir

Soon sprouts curls

Try Pirelli’s

When they see how thick, sir

You can have your pick, sir

Of the girls

Wanna buy a bottle, missus?

What is this?

What is this?

Smells like piss

Smells like—phew!

He says it smells like piss

What d’you think?

This is piss.

Piss with ink

What is this?

Where is this Pirelli?

Yes, where is this Pirelli?

Let Pirelli’s

Activate your roots, sir

Keep it off your boots, sir

Eats right through

Go and get Pirelli

Yes, get Pirelli’s

Use a bottle of it

Ladies seem to love it

Flies do too

Get the bloody money off him

Get the bloody money off him

See Pirelli’s Miracle elixir

Grow a little wick, sir

Then some fuzz

The Pirelli’s

Soon’ll make it thick, sir

Like a good elixir

Always does!

Trust Pirelli’s

If your hair is sick, sir

Fix it in the nick, sir

Don’t look grim

Just Pirelli’s Miracle elixir

That’ll do the trick, sir—

What about the money?

If you’ve got it a kick, sir—

What about the money?

Where is this Pirelli?

Go and get Pirelli!

Tell it to the mixer

Of the miracle elixir

If you’ve got a kick, sir

What about the money?

Where is this Pirelli?

Talk to him