Epic Rap Battle of Manliness - Rhett and Link

I was born with hair on my chest

A gleam in my eye to latch onto a breast

I cut my own umbilical cord with my razor-sharp teeth

Then I drove home and my mom rode on in the back seat

I didn’t go through puberty, puberty went through me

And it was never even awkward 'cause I made it happen instantly

If you addressed a letter to 'Man' and put it in the mail

Rest assured I’d receive it but I ain’t gonna be your pen pal

My time is too valuable for that

I’ll be too busy working a jackhammer

You’re a momma’s boy

I was born in an Arctic cave

And adopted by wolves, that’s how I was raised

I didn’t drink milk, I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes

I killed the first man that I met with just my firm hand shake

I potty trained myself, you’re still bed wetting

I smell like charcoal when I’m sweating and was the best man at my own wedding

Search Google Images for masculinity

Feel free to photoshop your face on that image of me

Creative Commons, punk

Meanwhile I’ll be adjusting some really large nuts

I rise before the sun, screw circadian rhythm

I bathe with sandpaper and my underwear is denim

I shave with a box cutter, blindfolded as well

'Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself

I got no need for sleep, I never shut my eyes

I tie fishing lures while I memorize Apache war cries

The sun comes up when I tell it I’m ready

Then I trim my nose hairs with a razor-sharp machete

I’m manly 'cause I’m so handy, even my feet are hands

I built a hobbit house for a homeless man without using any plans

My kids' jungle gym has a full-size trapeze

And I modified my garden hose to dispense nacho cheese

I’m handy, too, I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan into your bedroom

My right incisor’s a Phillips head screwdriver

I made my sun deck into a holodeck where I hang out with MacGyver

My GPS gets its sense of direction from me

I can drive ten hours without stopping to take a leak

I don’t avert my eyes when I pass roadkill

And I teach an online course in parallel parking skills

When my car breaks down I don’t call a mechanic

I just open the hood and then I stare at it

And then I call a mechanic but I won’t be cheated

He’s not gonna talk me into repairs that I didn’t know that I needed

I can sleep alone in the woods without a tent

I might get a little scared but then I get over it

I tie knots that Eagle Scouts haven’t even heard of

Like the double overhead figure-eight fisherman’s bird glove

Well, I got the know-how to properly grill every part of a cow

And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out

I break your face with a plate if you want it well done

And your wife is always asking me to toast her buns

-Er, fellas?

Everything alright here?

-Er, yeah!

He was just cleaning something off my shirt

-Yup, got it

-Okey dokey.

You guys have a great day!

I’m too much man for a manicure

I don’t even have cuticles

For the sake of convenience I keep a urinal in my cubicle

I can barefoot ski

I can smell the fear of bees

I threw up in my mouth the one time that I watched Glee

I am my own boss

My middle name is Hoss

I don’t even know what it feels like to sit with my legs crossed

I’ve never been shopping

I don’t remove pizza toppings

I can tell the age of a mountain goat just by sniffing its droppings

You sniff mountain goat droppings?

Well…

Honey, somebody did a stinky, it’s got your name on it

Babe, the Real Housewives marathon’s about to start

And you’d promised you’d make your vegan ooey gooey bars