Travel Agent - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Paroles de la chanson Travel Agent:

Announcer: And now, here is a magnificent recording

Made in the Wide Valley, of an ordinary travel agents

Office.

Note the huge-breasted typist in the

Background

Smoketoomuch: Good morning

Secretary: Oh, good morning.

(sexily) Uhm, do you want

To come upstairs?

Smoketoomuch: Beg your pardon?

Secretary: (sexily) Do you want to come upstairs?

(brightly) Oh, or have you come to arrange a holiday?

Smoketoomuch: Uuh.

to…to arrange a holiday

Secretary: Oh, sorry

Smoketoomuch: What’s all this about coming upstairs?

Secretary: Oh, nothing, nothing.

Now, where were you

Thinking of going?

Smoketoomuch: India

Secretary: Ah, one of our adventure holidays

Smoketoomuch: Yes

Secretary: Well, you’d better see Mr. Bounder about

That.

Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in

The «India Overland»

Bounder: Morning, I’m Bounder of Adventure

Smoketoomuch: Hello, I’m Smoketoomuch

Bounder: Well, you’d better cut down a little then

Smoketoomuch: I’m sorry?

Bounder: You’d better cut down a little then

Smoketoomuch: Oh, I see!

Smoke too much so I’d better

Cut down a little then!

Bounder: Yes, ha ha… I expect you get people making

Jokes about your name all the time, eh?

Smoketoomuch: No, I never noticed it before

Bounder: So, you are interested in one of our adventure

Holidays, are you?

Smoketoomuch: Yes, I saw your advert in the bolour

Supplement

Bounder: The what?

Smoketoomuch: The bolour supplement

Bounder: The colour supplement

Smoketoomuch: Yes, I’m sorry, I can’t say the letter

Bounder: C?

Smoketoomuch: Yes, that’s right.

It’s all due to a

Trauma I suffered when I was a sboolboy.

I was attacked

By a bat

Bounder: A cat?

Smoketoomuch: No, a bat

Bounder: Oh… can you say the letter 'K'?

Smoketoomuch: Oh, yes.

Khaki, kind, kettle, Kipling

Kipper, Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford

Bounder: Yes, yes but why don’t you use the letter 'K'

Instead of the letter 'C'?

Smoketoomuch: What, spell bolour with a 'K'?

Bounder: Yes!

Smoketoomuch: Kolour!

Oh, thank you!

I never thought of that.

What a silly

Bunt

Bounder: Anyway, about the holiday…

Smoketoomuch: Well, yes, I’ve been on package tours

Many times, so your advert really bought my eye

Bounder: Ah good

Smoketoomuch: Yes, you’re quite right, I’m fed up with

Being treated like a sheep, I mean what’s the point of

Going abroad if you’re just another tourist carted

Round in buses, surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs

From Kettering and Boventry…

Bounder: Absolutel.

Smoketoomuch: …in their cloth caps and their

Cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday

Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don’t

Make it properly here do they not like at home'

Stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips

And Watney’s Red Barrel and calamares and two veg…

Bounder: Yes

Smoketoomuch: …and sitting in their cotton sun frocks

Squirting Timothy White’s suncream all over their puffy

Raw swollen purulent flesh…

Bounder: Yes

Smoketoomuch: …cos they 'overdid it on the first

Day'!

And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and

Bellevueses and Bontinentals…

Bounder: Yes, yes…

Smoketoomuch: …with their modern international luxury

Roomettes and draft Red Barrel and swimmingpools…

Bounder: Yes

Smoketoomuch: …full of fat German businessmen

Pretending they’re acrobats, forming pyramids and

Frightening the children and barging in the queues and

If you’re not at your table spot on seven you miss the

Bowl of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup,…

Bounder: Shut up

Smoketoomuch: …the first item on the menu of

International Cuisine,…

Bounder: Shut up, please!

Smoketoomuch: …and every Thursday night the hotel is

A bloody cabaret in the bar featuring a tiny emaciated

Dago…

Bounder: Please, will you shut up

Smoketoomuch: …with nine-inch hips and some bloated

Fat tart with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big arse

Presenting Flamenco for Foreigners

Bounder: Shut up!

Smoketoomuch: And adenoidal typists from Birmingham

With flabby white legs and diarrhoea trying to pick up

Hairy…

Bounder: Please.

Smoketoomuch: …bandy-legged wop waiters called

Manuel,…

Bounder: .shut up!

Smoketoomuch: …and once a week there’s an excursion

To the local Roman ruins to buy cherryade and melted

Ice cream…

Bounder: I can’t bear it!

Smoketoomuch: …and bleedin' Watney’s Red Barrel, and

One evening you visit the so-called typical restaurant

With local colour…

Bounder: Shaddap!

Smoketoomuch: …and atmosphere and you sit next to a

Party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing

'Torremolinos, Torremolinos', and complaining about the

Food, 'It's so greasy here isn’t it!'

and you get

Cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an

Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and Tuesday’s 'Daily

Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr

Smith should be running this country and how many…

Bounder: Stop it, please

Smoketoomuch: …languages Enoch Powell can speak and

Then he throws up all over the Cuba Libres

Bounder: Will you be quiet please

Smoketoomuch: And sending tinted postcards of places

They don’t realise they haven’t even visited, 'to

All…

Bounder: Shut up

Smoketoomuch: …at number 22, weather wonderful…

Bounder: PLEASE, SHUT UP!

Smoketoomuch: …our room is marked with an «X».

Food

Very greasy but we found a charming…

Bounder: Take it off!

TAKE IT OFF!

Smoketoomuch: …little place hidden away in the back

Streets, where they serve Watney’s Red Barrel and

Cheese and onion…

Bounder: For God’s sake, take it off.

TAKE IT OFF!!!

Smoketoomuch: …crisps and the accordionist plays

«Maybe its because I’m a Londoner"'…

(Sound of pick-up skating across record)