Then You Make Take Me to the Fair - Julie Andrews, John Cullum, James Gannon

Sir Lionel!

Do you recall the other night

That I distinctly said you might

Serve as my escort at the next town fair?

Well, I’m afraid there’s someone who

I must invite in place of you

Someone who plainly is beyond compare

That Frenchman’s power is more tremendous

Than I have e’er seen anywhere

And when a man is that stupendous

He, by right, should take me to the fair

Your majesty, let me tilt with him and smite him!

Don’t refuse me so abruptly, I implore!

Oh, give me the opportunity to fight him

And Gaul will be divided once more!

You will bash and thrash him?

I’ll smash and mash him

You’ll give him trouble?

He will be rubble

A mighty whack?

His skull will crack

Well…

Then you may take me to the fair

If you do all the things you promise

In fact, my heart would break should you not take me to the fair

Sir Sagramore!

I have some rather painful news

Relative to the subject who’s

To be beside me at the next court ball

You were the chosen one, I know

But as tradition it should go

To the unquestioned champion in the hall

And I’m convinced that splendid Frenchman

Can easily conquer one and all

And besting all our local henchmen

He should sit beside me at the ball

I beg of you, ma’am, withhold your invitation

I swear to you this challenge will be met

And when I have finished up the operation

I’ll serve him to your highness en brochette!

You’ll pierce right through him?

I’ll barbecue him!

A wicked thrust?

'Twill be dust to dust!

From fore to aft?

He’ll feel a draft!

Well then…

You may sit by me at the ball

If you demolish him in battle

In fact, I know I’d cry were you not by me at the ball

Sir Dinadan!

Didn’t I promise that you may

Guide me to London on the day

That I go up to judge the cattle show?

As it is quite a nasty ride

There must be someone at my side

Who’ll be defending me from beast and foe

So when I choose whom I prefer go

I take the strongest knight I know

And young du Lac seems strongest, ergo

He should take me to the cattle show

Your Majesty can’t believe this blustering prattle

Let him prove it with a sword or lance instead!

I promise you, when I’ve done this Gaul in battle

His shoulders will be lonesome for his head!

You’ll disconnect him?

I’ll vivisect him

You’ll open-wide him?

I’ll subdivide him

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear

Then you may guide me to the show

If you can carry out your program

In fact, I’d grieve inside should you not guide me to the show

Milady, we shall put an end to

That Galic bag of noise and nerve

When we do all that we intend to

He’ll be a plate of French hors d’ouvres!

I do applaud your noble goals

Now let us see if you achieve them

And if you do, then you will be the three

Who will go to the ball, to the show

And take me to the fair