The Hair Piece - George Carlin

FM And AM

The Hair Piece

One of the things that occurred when I began to uh, y’know, feel some changes

happening to me… naturally, I was kinda still entertaining in gin joints,

y’know- I realize they sell gin here, but it’s really not the same as

middle-class nightclubs where I spent like a lotta years and it was weird to

start having hair and start having a beard and to come out, y’know,

to all these folks- lotta Shriners and hookers and salesmen.

which are the

same as hookers, really, if you get right down to it.

Uh, it was just strange.

I had to find a way to break the ice.

I told them a poem.

I told them about my

hair.

I’m aware some stare at my hair

In fact, some really despair of my hair

But I don’t care

'cause they’re not aware

nor are they debonair

In fact, they’re just square

They see hair down to there

say BEWARE and go off on a tear

I say «No fair»

A head that’s bare is really nowhere

So be like a bear

Be fair with your hair

Show it you care

Wear it to there, or to there,

or to THERE if you dare

My wife bought some hair at a fair

to use as a spare

Did I care?

Au contraire!

Spare hair is fair

In fact, hair can be rare

Fred Astaire got no hair

nor does a chair

or a chocolate eclair

And where is the hair on a pear?

Nowhere, mon frere

Now that I’ve shared this affair of the hair

I think I’ll repair to my lair

and use Nair, do you care?

Here’s my beard

Ain’t it weird?

Don’t be sceered

's just a beard

That’s the thing.

The word 'beard' shook a lot of people up.

Beard!

It’s not American sounding.

BEARD!

Lenin had a BEARD!

Gabby Hayes had

'whiskers'.

Monty Woolley had whiskers.

Yeah.

Well anyway, I mention hair

because I’ve only had extra hair for about a year now and uh, actually,

it’s the same hair I always had.

It just used to be on the inside.

I’m wearing it in a new location, that’s all.

And I’ve found there are some

advantages to longer hair.

For one thing, it covers the pimples on your neck.

One of the disadvantages of longer hair- a lot of people think you’re a Commie

*** junkie.

And it’s tough to talk them out of three things at once.

What would a Commie *** junkie sound like, y’know?

(does unintelligible

'Commie *** junkie' impression)