Swearing on the Bible - George Carlin

Here’s another one of these civic customs.

Swearing on the Bible.

Do you understand that shit?

They tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible.

Does this stuff really matter which hand?

Does God really give a fuck about details like this?

Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand, would that count?

Or would God say, “Sorry.

Wrong hand.

Try again.”

And why does one hand have to be raised?

What is the magic in this gesture?

This seems like some sort of a primitive, voodoo, mojo shtick.

Why not put your left hand on the Bible and let your right hand hang down by your side?

It’s more natural.

Or put it in your pocket.

Remember what your mother used to say?

Don’t put your hands in your pockets.

Does she know something that we don’t know?

Is this hand shit really important?

Well, let’s get back to the Bible, America’s favorite national theatrical prop.

Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both, and you swear to tell the truth on an upside down, backward Bible.

Would that count?

Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing.

Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible in an American court, or a Braille Bible, and you’re not blind.

Suppose they hand you an upside down, backward, Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing?

At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up?

They fucking made it up, folks.

It’s make-believe.

It’s make-believe.

Now, all right.

OK.

Let’s leave the Bible aside.

We’ll get back to the science fiction reading later.

The more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place?

Why does swearing to God mean you’re going to tell the truth?

It wouldn’t affect me.

If they said to me, “You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

I’d say yeah.

I’ll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that fucking Bible.

How do you like that, huh?

Huh?

Swearing on the Bible doesn’t mean anything.

It’s kid…swearing to God is kid stuff.

Remember when you were a kid?

If you told another kid something he didn’t quite believe he’d say, “You swear to God?”

I would always say, “Yeah, I swear to God, even if I was lying.

Why not?

What’s going to happen if I lie?

Nothing.

Nothing happens if you lie unless you get caught, and that’s a whole different story.

Sometimes, that kid would think he was being slick with me and he’d say, “You swear on your mother’s grave?”

I’d say, “Yeah, why not?”

First of all, my mother was alive.

She didn’t have a grave.

Second of all, even if she was dead, what’s she going to do, rise from the grave and come and haunt me?

Come and haunt me, all because I told a lie to an 8-year-old?

Get fucking real, will you?

Sometimes, I would say, “I swear on my mother’s tits.”

Kids are impressed with things like that.

I mean, I don’t care about my mother’s tits either.

I didn’t care if they fell off.

Fuck her.

Not my problem.

They’re your tits, ma.

You keep an eye on them.

Swearing to God doesn’t mean anything.

Swearing on the Bible doesn’t mean anything.

You know why?

Because Bible or no Bible, God or no God, if it suits their purposes, people are going to lie in court.

The police do it all the time, all the time.

Yes, they do.

It’s part of their job to protect, to serve and to commit perjury whenever it supports the state’s case.

Swearing on the Bible is just one more way of controlling people and keeping them in line, and it’s one more thing that holds us back as a species.