10 Years of Borderlands - Dan Bull

Hello Pandora fans

Hello Pandora fans

Hello Pandora fans

We’re riding back to the moon and back

I said, hello Pandora fans

We’re riding back to the borderlands

Every brilliant story begins with a vault

And if this is familiar, well it isn’t my fault

This vault was a rumour full of fat loot, sir

Sit back, bun a fat zoot and let me ask you

What would you do for such spoils and plunder?

Would you face pain, shame, flame, cold and hunger?

Assault whole bunkers, wholly outnumbered?

If you answered «Yes"to all of the above

Then you’re a vault hunter, see?

You’re hardly an angel

Leave that to the guardian angel

The key to the vault is your grail

Better get the pieces if you falter, you fail

Your goal is to dwell in this world and inhale

Up a whole different way of living

Ultimate sell: with the screws and the nuts

And the bolts and the nails

And the rust and the dust

And the road and the rail

This is paradise lost and you’re going to hell

With eighty-seven bazillion volts in your tail

Now let me tell you the revoltingest tale

Full of mudslinging, salt and betrayal

Hop on the carousel and keep a hold of yourself

'Cause the slower you roll then the colder the trail

Oi Patricia Tannis can you tell us what the plan is

'Cause it’s as if we cannot trust anybody on the planet

You’re a hell of a fierce woman, Helena Pierce

Couldn’t tell if your tears were really steaming your goggles

But not everything is as it appears, as your Pandora peers

We should have seen you were trouble

See now you’ve got the vault key, seems your plan’s faulty

It’s about to be stole by the Crimson Lance, oh jeez

So who’s the vermin agent that’s commanding them to steal?

Got to be nominative determination it’s Commandant Steele

It’s time to clap back so I call up Claptrap

He’s like, «What's that in the back?"This track slaps

It’s like crack, you can’t get enough of it

Couple lines of filler dropping bars for the uff of it

To flourish here got to be hard, toughen up a bit

Borderlands is my jam and I’m loving it

Giving no fucks, open that vault up

Hold up, something’s holed up, whoa oh fuck

Stop the clocks

The status quo is broken

Stop all the clocks

Pandora’s box is open

Stop the clocks

The status quo is broken

Stop all the clocks

Pandora’s box is open

Whoops, you popped the vault’s cherry

Unsettling what was all buried

Scary monsters, got to get rid of them, what’s left?

A big bukkake of Eridium

Ready for the cleanup, by even badder criminals

How can you beat them, you don’t even have the minerals?

You’re dealing with the pinnacle, trust

Killing all you little fools, minimal fuss

Hyperion, he’s really running militantly tyranny

By getting the Eridium by any necessary means

It’s Handsome Jack with the rapid expansion

Got to keep topping that financial stack

So let’s cancel that, take his mansion back

Have him living in a council flat

No sanctuary, nah, this is our domain

Safe space from which we dish out the pain

Crimson raiders kill invaders

Been doing this thing for ages

Like it isn’t dangerous

Didn’t think our little angel traitorous

Till the day that she betrayed us

Base incinerated, but then Lilith saved it

'Cause it is a spaceship, this is just the beginning page

Good gracious, what an outrageous play, Mr Shakespeare

Who the heck’s stepping up next to the stage?

It’s…

A young lady, you might have seen her

She’s a pyromaniac, it’s Tiny Tina

About as far from a ballerina, you could find

Serving up havoc like subpoenas

Now we’re really getting manic with the beer-bellied mechanic

And it’s Ellie twisting spanners like tagliatelle metallic

And everybody who inhabits the planet’s in panicked shock

Except perhaps one man, that’s Sir Hammerlock

Have a look through the binoculars

His lens even blurrier than Oculus

Got arms all around like an octopus

Stop popping off shots at the populace

And now Moxxi’s mad, I’ll have what she had

Unless oxycontin, I do not need that

She’s a cosplay hottie, fact

But how’s anybody going to top these hats

Nevermind that, got to stop these prats

So fucking give us back that vault key, Jack

Better not wake up that rock creature

For a handsome man, you’re an ugly chap

Well imagine my shock, final boss, beat that

Clichéd ending, predictable plot piece, ah

Wait a fricking minute, look, what’s this map?

No rest for the wicked, huh?

Cut to black

Seems time has stopped

Tock, tick, rewind the clocks

Tock, tick, t-minus nought

Tock, lunar tick

Back to the moon and back

Off to the moon and it’s full of lunatics

Scavs, miners, archaeologists, and fugitives

The lifestyle under Dahl’s rather punitive

Inclusively, like a unisex crucifix

And this human intervention was the Eucharist

Mother nature doesn’t take to getting two fingers

In the crater, like you wouldn’t lose your shit

So as soon as it went boom and split

The crackening was happening and Jack?

He knew to get

To the tip then he’d have to become ruthless

Under the tutelage, of an abusive bitch

But he got used to it, gave it a new twist

Like people who call «nuclear», «nucular»

So close yet removed from the nucleus

No nuclear family, youth was unhappy

Reduced him to angry, then dude killed his granny

Established a pattern, he whacked off his manager

But not by wanking, no Jack toppled Tassiter

Grabbing his throat, he strangled the bastard

Look still got his trophy goatee, have a look

Now he’s shaking up in Helios

That nobody covets so much as the legion does

They capture it, Jacks' a bit miffed, understandably

So he sends some mercenaries into low gravity

Ramming deep down underground, cleaning cavities

Like a gang of dentists, sent to depravity

Yeah, he might be training up an army of robots

But if they’re not harming you, so what?

Don’t knock

It’s not notable enough to remark upon

So shut up, lock targets on Zarpedon

Then choose to pop open that vault

If you don’t know Jack that’s your own damn fault

Watch the clock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Watch the clock

What time you clocking off?

Watch the clock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Watch the clock

Sleeves up, watches off

Rhys' peace is about to crack

When he sees a key up for grabs on the black market

I’ll take that thank you

Now Rhys is a man bankrupt

Bad luck, damn if only he’d have known

It was bogus, a phoney, a hoax, he’d have ganged up

With Fiona the chancer, she knows every scam ever wrote

In the damn book going to get, going to get, going to get that money back

But I can’t get you out of my head, not funny jack

Progress slower than a tortoise walks

Until the Gortys core showed them vaults galore

Shore to shore, I’m sure I said it already but I’ll say it again:

So many there’s a Smorgasbord, awkward dork

But when you’re hijacked by jack

Both boys and girls will be behind like a bike rack

I don’t wanna be Handsome Jack’s puppet

So there’s only one answer, that’s «fuck it»

Bring the whole thing down, crashing to the surface

Looking back, life now has a bigger purpose

Cash is fricking worthless unless it can be spent

Fed up of living life at like seventy per cent

Hope you’re ready for the next episode, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Smoke skags every day

But wait, there’s more!

Gracious Lord

We’ve awakened an ancient force

Lilith and the Raiders have brought the vault map

But Dahl have attacked and they won’t pull back

Dropping gas, whole place getting jacked like the 8th Hawk

Better get away and escape with a phasewalk

Save Vaughn from infected bandits

So we can gather samples and invent the antidote

Tannis isn’t at a level at which she can master this

So Cassius asks them if they’ll acid trip

To the mountain but who’s that?

Talon

Mordecai’s in trouble, get the Moonshot Cannon

Ramming into Helios, so get packing

To meet a boss we believe is from Saturn

Take pieces of it, yeah pull them out of Uranus

The power contained within, it’s bloody outrageous

I guess this infection’s affecting us a lot

Being heckled by Hector is messing up the plot

Better stop that man while we can, while we’ve got a chance

Because his plants are buggering up our plans

Just look at his lab, it’s full of failed experiments

Hypothesis: what a prick, here’s the evidence

Now Cassius is overcome with nastiness

So perhaps the vaccine is within his ass, in fact it is

Let’s get extracting it, and then go back to Sanctuary

The place stinks like an outdated pack of anchovies

Lilith goes ham, completely tearing up the place

Borderlands need saving for yet another day