Romance - Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend, wants me be a better person

So I can get a better girlfriend

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, whenever I meet a pretty girl

The first thing I look for is intelligence

Because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine

Couple of months ago I gave my girlfriend some fancy lengerie

She actually got mad at me…

Say Anthony I think this is more of a gift for you

Than it is for me…

And I said well, if you wanna get technical

It was originally a gift for my last girlfriend

Happy Valentine’s Day

Giving gifts is tough in any relationship I assume…

Like this past Christmas

I kept telling my girlfriend from months in advance, months

Baby all I want from you this year is an X-Box, that’s it

Beginning and end of list, X-Box

You know what she got me?

A homemade frame

With a picture of us from our first date together

Which was fine…

Because I got her an X-Box

I should’ve got her a chocolate

My girlfriend loves the chocolate

She’s always eating chocolate

She likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction

Like «Keep me away from those chocolate bars Anthony!

I’m addicted to them!»

And it is really annoying

So I put her in a car, and took her downtown

And I pointed out a crack addict and I said

«You see that honey?

Why can’t you be that skinny?»

You guys seem like nice people

I don’t wanna sound like a jerk here

But that joke usually gets a standing ovation