Rocky - A Pregnant Light

Sons: remember your fathers

Deathmyhangingdoorway

The day before I watched you sleep

You were slipping

You were letting your pain go

The body didn’t match the heart

Your pain was seeing us

Because we loved you so much

I understood why people say

«I would have traded places with you»

I would have instantly

You didn’t deserve to have breath be short

Your lungs were weak from birth

The body didn’t match your heart

Your heart was too big for your body

Even though it had withered away

Deprived of oxygen

A smile never left your face

You were never bitter or angry

Never sour or upset

You loved us unconditionally

Trust God

Love God

Know that there is a plan

I saw no plan other than the taking of a good man

Every time I saw you I was angry

And every single time you’d look right at me

I wanted to curse the creation that made you suffer

You told me to be at peace

Strangely

I could

Because of your strength

March 8th

Mid-morning

My mom, my sister and I

I never watched someone I love die before

Mallory stood up and got sick

My mother was beside herself in relief and disbelief

Finally you could rest

I remember looking at my mother to try and see her face

I can’t remember her face

I can’t remember how she looked

She had been taking care of my dad every moment of every day

After we went home

After we cleaned up and did the dishes

After the football game when the pain of what life had become

Draped like stars over their shared sky

Love is not a burden

Love is a sun

I see the purple light

Dad, if somehow you can hear me

I’m sorry that this song isn’t all it should be

I love you so much

Thank you for being the greatest man I’ve ever known

I miss you more than I can comprehend

Sometimes I feel like you’re going to call me

Like somehow it wasn’t real

Even though I took care of your body

When it grew cold in that warm bright room

I knew you were gone

Still I had to touch your face and pull back your hair

When I kissed your forehead and held your neck

I felt your love even then

Goodbye, Dad

I’ll see you in the next life

I’ll always be your son